Thats right, it's a 'Type II Single-Use Masturbation Device'. Only in Japan.

We decided to treat ourselves to the local entertainment, known as kabuki, which is hard to describe, a cross between opera and theatre of sorts. Plays have been performed since the 17th century and it seems to still have a popular following in Japan today - the Kabuki-za (theatre to you and me) was packed and we were the only non-Japanese there.

The play itself was one of the weirdest things either of us has ever experienced - a chanter yodels his way through the story, accompanied by another guy on a sitar-like instrument. These two are replaced at regular intervals by a revolving door, and each yodeller becomes higher-pitched and more involved as the story progresses.


The actors (all male, though mostly in drag) also wail occasionally, though for the most part they act melodramatically. Some of these kabuki actors have near god-like status in Japan, and they all grow up in the tradition of kabuki - so sons inherit roles from fathers, fathers from grandfathers etc. To add to the madness, members of the audience occasionally made cat-calling noises, shouting what sounded like "Schmeer, schmeer" at regular intervals [we later found out they were shouting the nicknames of their preferred kabuki actor on stage, but at the time, we were completely bewildered as to what the - otherwise incredibly reserved - Japanese audience might be doing].

Our bewilderment was somewhat lessened by the audio commentary, which regularly threw in things like "there is no reason for them to be doing this, it's not part of the story, it's just to add to the audience's enjoyment." Without this, well might we have wondered what was happening when one of the characters pushed a chicken across a lake on a tea tray, only for it to start cock-a-doodle-doo-ing half way across [for future reference, chickens can detect dead bodies at the bottom of bodies of water].

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kabuki

"We'll be fine in Tokyo. After all, we're Londoners”. Oh, the arrogance.

• There's a musical jingle for everything. Lifts, traffic lights, trains, even toilets. Train station platforms pipe in 'calming' jungle bird noises, and each train plays a random assortment of chiming tunes when leaving or arriving at stations. Commuting, you kind of feel like you're trapped inside a Disney computer game. The toilets are pretty special too. They play "authentic" flushing noises, to enable you to wee without feeling self-conscious.

• The Cartoon is the preferred medium of communication for any and all messages, regardless of the target audience – No Smoking signs, subway announcements, any advertising from canned coffee to cars.

• The current pop sensation is a 14 year old from the Isle of Man who became famous for dancing to Japanese manga music in her bedroom, and has been whisked over to Tokyo for a publicity tour, such is the popularity of her choreography over here.

• It's cool to have an English slogan on your shop / advert / clothes, but apparently not so cool to make any kind of sense. All-time favourite thus far has been a shop in Harajuku called 'Store my ducks'. No idea what it sold, but we imagine its some kind of long-term storage for when your pet mallards start crowding your apartment.

In the 5 days we spent in and around Tokyo, we took the phrase "Japanese tourists" to a whole new level, covering north, south, east and west, taking in sights and sounds at sometimes break-neck speed. Could be something to do with the sheer energy of the place - people do everything quickly and efficiently (Sarah is in heaven).

• The morning we got up at 0430 to see the Tsukiji Fish Market auction, which supplies fresh fish to the whole of Tokyo. Even better was the super-fresh sushi we sampled for breakfast at a cafe in the market. Our M&S sushi snacks will sadly never taste quite as good in comparison!

• The Meiji Jingu shrine built to honour Emperor Meiji, who introduced Japan to the western world after 2 centuries of seclusion under the shoguns, and the Shinto couple we saw having their wedding pictures taken there.

• Becoming history geeks at the excellent Edo-Tokyo museum, which enabled James to pretend to be a 17^th century fireman standard-bearer and Sarah to ride a penny farthing (awesome, such a shame they don't still make them)

And now we're on to Takayama, for a bit of rest and relaxation in the Japanese Alps. There's snow on the way tomorrow, but hopefully we'll be safe and snug with our electric blankets and hi-tech gas heaters...